It's All Connected...

Or something like that....

It's been a day. This morning I had a photo-shoot. A friend did me the favor of modeling one of my t-shirt designs (stay tuned - you'll see it soon). We had a good visit. He and I were talking about friends and connections, although we didn't get too deep. I expressed the frustration that so many people find it difficult to hit reply and type a line or two. This friend always gets back to me. I am grateful that he did the shoot today, and grateful for the chance to visit with him as well. 

This afternoon, I went to a funeral. The deceased was my Mother's Goddaughter (as well as my Godfather's daughter). I went with my parents, and the service was held in the church I grew up going to. The church was packed, with seating outside. I thought the ceremony was well done, and I'm sad that a beautiful and wonder-full woman is no longer in the world with us. 

With these two things, I was thinking about connections and relationships. There are so many friends I miss, and would like some contact with. Seriously. How hard is it to hit reply in Messenger and type a line or two? We're not 20-something anymore, and I certainly don't want to hit the bars every Friday night, but how hard is it to find time to have lunch with a friend a couple of times a year? I know that we all grow up, get married, stay single, do or do not have kids, have parents to take care, etc... I work for myself and take care of my parents. I'm busy too. I can make the time.

After a while, I stop trying. I get tired of rejection. I get tired of initiating things.

I mentioned to my friend today that all my local guy friends are heterosexual. It's true. I stopped hanging out with my gay friends. I was tired of all the backstabbing (and I'm sure I stabbed some myself). I also got tired of being made to feel bad because, as permissive as I can be, I do have some morals and live by them. Am I perfect? Of course not. But I try to be the best I can be. That said, I also got tired of how, with few exceptions, I've been treated by my gay friends.

I did get to see a long-time friend a few weeks back. Scott came over for a visit, and we had a Great visit! I spoke on the phone with him the other day. I loved reconnecting with him, and I hope we keep it up. I see my best friend Susan every week. So some of my local friends do come through. I'm hoping to see some of my non-local friends at upcoming comic shows, and if possible, meeting in the middle at other times.

I have depression issues, which I don't keep secret. I will share (and sometimes over-share - sorry 'bout that) because sometimes venting helps me deal. If you don't want to hear it, tell me. I also share so that others know that they aren't alone. 

I isolate myself. It started many years ago after a near-death experience. It's something I don't like to talk about, so I am just going to talk about the aftermath of it. I don't drink, so I don't go to bars... but it got to where I didn't feel safe going. I will go out to a movie at night, however. Generally, if I don't feel safe, I don't do it. I retreated. I was hugely depressed, and probably a gigantic drag to be around. I'm sure I still can be at times. A couple of friends were there for me, but when it was time for me to be there for them... they kept me in the dark. And for those I failed, all I can say is that I'm sorry.

I got involved with someone. It was a weird, non-relationship of sorts. We both made mistakes in that situation, and I feel we both are to blame. He won't agree with me, I'm sure. This isn't a blame game or an outing. I walked away from it, but the damage was done. Except for Susan, my friends were not there. Oh sure, they were on Facebook, but not in real life.

Last year, when my Dad was ill... and I mean very ill, my parents' friends were falling all over themselves to visit, bring food, check in on Mom, check in on Dad, etc... Except for Susan, my friends were nowhere. I unfriended one because I knew him long enough that the very least he could have done is send me a message. I was so hurt by his silence. I'm still hurt by it, but I stopped driving him to Wal-Mart, so he had no use for me. Another friend, who I was reconnecting with, lives 10 minutes from me. I nearly begged him to come over and hang out. Because I didn't want to pretend to be 25 again and go party, he flat out refused to come over. I guess there was nothing in it for him. I lost this friend at the end of last year when I wound up treating him the way he treated me. It was shitty of me, but I had had enough. There were bright spots last year. When I went to MegaCon and saw Cory, he hugged me and asked how Dad was doing. Dan asked as well. Whenever I went to his shop, Donnie gave me a big bear hug. There were many people who reached out, and I only know them through Facebook. I hope I get to meet these people in person one day.

So, with depression comes tunnel vision. It's so easy to see the bad, and I don't want to do that. I am grateful for every person, good or bad, who has been a part of my life. If you know me, and feel I've been unfair to you here, talk to me about it. I tried to only mention names positively. I'm not perfect, and it often takes two to tango.  I also believe the past is the past. Send me a message. Let's get together. If money's an issue, we can just meet up at a park and shoot the breeze for an hour. 

Earlier, before I started, I had something in mind about how we're all connected, and that doing good for someone today may do good for you later. Sometimes, "doing good" means asking for a favor, or admitting that you need someone's help. I had more in mind, and it got away from me. Sorry about that. But, I'm keeping the post title I started with. We have connections in our life, and I realize that they sometimes fall away. I also realize that friends disappearing from my life may have nothing to do with me. I've let go of some friends because of what was going on with me, and not from anything they did. I apologize for whinging and whining in this post. I've rambled on for perhaps too long now, so I will go.

Again, I am grateful for everyone who has touched my life... from my long-time friends, to those who have fallen out of touch. I'm grateful for those I know in real life as well as those I only know online. 

Love!

Comments