So, I've run across some images online of men being affectionate with one another, and it got me to thinking about man to man affection in my life. I am posting some of the photos I found, sticking to the vintage images.
Now, I was raised fairly formally. We were not an overly affectionate family. I mostly remember hugging Grandma or Granny when we saw them. Certainly the men did not hug other men. My Grandfather was a politician, and there was always an undercurrent of "what will people say" to our actions. I, of course, eventually rebelled against that. To this day (I'm 48) I still dye my hair purple and don't really care much what people think of me.
Now, one of the things I miss from my last relationship was the physical affection we shared. We were often affectionate, which included shirtless contact, without it leading to anything else. That was nice, and it's about the only thing I miss. It would be nice to find someone, who I like and care about, to share something similar with. The down side? All my local guy friends are heterosexual. And, for some reason, it feels almost impossible to ask for affection, where, if I wanted sex, I wouldn't hesitate. Because of my upbringing, the idea of sitting next to a friend with my arm around him or his around me feels... odd somehow. I hate that. I have experienced that, and it's nice to be able to share affection with someone, but there's that feeling too that it's somehow inappropriate.
I see images all the time of two (or more) men being affectionate, with about a third of those images involving shirtless contact. Okay, so if you're at the beach or the pool, not a biggie. But, at home, it feels inappropriate. Of course, since I'm 48 and male, society seems to make my desire for affection into something that makes me a perv. I'm isolated enough already without that being added into the mix. And I get it. If I say "hey, let's take off our shirts and be cuddly", it does sound like an attempt at low-key seduction. If I want sex and/or romance, I have no problem saying it.
With my depression issues, it's hard for me to reach out. It's hard to ask for help, or to say "I need/want this". I do hug friends hello and goodbye. Sometimes a friend's hand will linger for a moment or two on my shoulder or arm, and that's nice. I certainly don't want to be inappropriate with anyone, and I don't want anyone doing anything that makes them uncomfortable. I wish I felt more comfortable with saying "I need this" or "I want this". I never thought I needed affection very much until I was with my ex. Then, I realized that I was starved for it. That said, I'll get by.
Solutions? Well, I do need to get out more and meet some new people. Existing friends may not be the solutions, but maybe new friends are. I need to learn to speak up more. I'm certainly okay with a friend saying "no", and I respect No. If I lose a friend because I asked for affection, then maybe he wasn't really my friend to begin with. I know there are people out there who like me and care about me. I know I have friends. It often feels, with the exception of my best friend, all my other friends are online. The people I know locally, well... I reach out, ask someone to lunch or to hang out, get a "yeah, we should do that", and then nothing happens.
This was a deeply personal post. I was getting emotional as I wrote it, and I feel like I've left things unsaid. However, life goes on. I can say them in another post. Maybe I can lose some of the fears and hangups from my childhood and reach out more.
How long ago was your last relationship and what type of affection did you share? Already saw shirtless, which most likely won't garner a yes from friends. There are different kinds of affection, social norms, and such. Maybe you're ready to date again? That's where you'd find cuddle partners. Are you also sure you don't miss it solely from your ex?
ReplyDeleteIt's been a few years, and the affection was cuddling on the couch, or rubbing his back, etc... but shirtless. I figure if I'm sharing any of that with any of my existing friends, it's a shirts on deal, and I'm 100% okay with that. I'm not really up for dating, truth be told. I seem to attract the liars and the cheaters. The gay community at large has made it clear that I'm not good enough, and individual gay men treat me like their "sister" and nothing more. I think of myself as a comics nerd who happens to be gay, and that's probably part of the problems too. There is some truth to missing it solely from my ex, but I miss it in general. It was something I was wanting just before he came along, and then the relationship opened my eyes. I have one friend, who gives really, really good hugs. I could hug on said friend all day every day, but I don't want romance or sex from him. I'm a bit of a weird mess right now. I do need to get out and meet new people. Even if I don't want to date at the moment, I might find what I want (or something in the neighborhood of it) by meeting new people.
ReplyDeleteDid he reciprocate the affection? Some guys have a hard time with that. Why have you waited years to date? Did the ex cheat? Was it a long, serious relationship?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're feeling alone, but know that other nerdy gay men do exist. I've known a few comic book collecting, board game playing, superhero tattoo inking guys.
I've honestly dated off and on all my adult life. My ex reciprocated some and/or allowed the affection to happen. He never wanted to acknowledge what was happening with us. It was a 3 year situation, and we both contributed to the good and the bad of it. I don't blame him, but I'm glad he's gone. Most of the nerdy gay men I know are online, and not in real life. The few I've met in real life fall into that gay man who likes comics category, which is a different mindset than a comics nerd who happens to be gay. I plan to write a post on dating, and my troubles with it. I know that I am part of the problem in regards to dating - the things that have happened to me have changed me, and not always for the better. I also know that I'm one of those people who don't really belong. I have found kinship among comic book nerds, but all the people I meet in that world are heterosexual. Good for friends, not for dating.
ReplyDeleteThree years of not acknowledging? I'm not sure what you mean. Were you casual for three years, was he experimenting, or on the dl? Sounds like you're better off now. If a guy is trying to hide me, I do us both a favor and hide him outta my life completely.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you've been hurt, but know we're all imperfect beings that are just looking for acceptance (or a good lay for some).
Do you play tabletop games? I know some guys in Jax that play at the comic stores and just happen to be gay too, like you described yourself. You might run into them. They do that and go to cons but also come to the different pride celebrations and brunches. It could be a start of meeting people you'd get along with.
To be honest, that relationship was complicated, more so than it needed to be. I don't really talk about it much. It happened. I made mistakes. I've learned from it. Life moves on.
ReplyDeleteTabletop games? I actually want to give it a shot. One of my buddies plays a lot, and I always see him posting about games. Some of them look interesting. I'll have to look into this.